On Being a Husband and Father

My chief joys in this life have been serving as a husband and a father.  Nothing else has been so wonderful, so satisfying.  There have been difficult periods, and substantial failures on my part; but despite those challenges, I remain a husband and a father to the core.  It seems to be my nature.  It's just what I do. 

I'm not painting myself as a great family man.  The substantial failures I mentioned above were ... substantial.  I still make mistakes and have shortcomings that must be addressed.  But I take so much joy in providing for my family, and seeing them thrive, that I can't imagine wanting to be a bachelor again.  If anything, I just want to be a better spouse, and a better dad.  For years, I put work first.  I worked hard, and didn't have the common sense to leave work at the office once I came home.  My dinner conversation was often about problems with colleagues, or about concerns with upcoming work events.  Sheer and complete foolishness. 

Leave work at the office or shop, and embrace your personal life during the hours away from your job.  If you must take work home, set strict parameters and time limits.  Whatever you do, do not let it consume your life.  You'll never get that wasted time back.  Spend as much time as you can with family and friends.  If you have no family and friends, go find some.  Find people to love. 

I am blessed with a beautiful family.  It's not perfect, and we experience very real problems like everyone else. During the last several months I've learned to appreciate my loved ones in ways I never did before, and I have made a commitment to myself and to God that I will not take my family for granted again.  My work is important, but it will never be as important as my family.  

Reconciliation

Estrangement is such a painful, terrible thing; but reconciliation brings joy. The reconciliation of which I speak is not merely a matter of coming together again, or burying the hatchet. It's a multifaceted, complicated process with layers. When the estrangement is substantial, reconciliation is a process that takes time. It can only be properly understood when viewed holistically. Any other view gives just a glimpse of what reconciliation truly is.

To reconcile with someone is to agree in a way that is remarkable. The agreement is essentially to truly let bygones be bygones. It is forgiveness of past offenses and the willingness to walk forward, together, in love.

True reconciliation is genuine. It doesn't minimize the offense(s) that led to estrangement. Instead, it acknowledges the depth and breadth of the pain, while simultaneously refusing to let that pain be the dispositive factor as far as future dealings. Reconciliation is coming together, agreeing to deal with one another in a new, mutually edifying way.

If you are estranged from a loved one, I hope that you are able to do the hard work that is so often necessary to bridge the gap. I hope that you can come together again, and take comfort in each other's company. That's truly a wonderful thing.

Prayer and Fasting

A good friend recently challenged me to fast while I pray. She told me that the two go hand in hand; essentially, you can't have one without the other. While I can't say that this is a new concept to me, I will say that I had never before realized the importance of fasting. I understood intellectually, but not personally or really.

Several difficult situations have arisen over the past year. This has made me feel a sense of urgency in terms of praying to God for resolutions. My prayers, when I have the strength or the wherewithal to say them, tend to hit the ceiling. At least, that's how I often feel. I know that certain important prayers have been answered. But this is atypical for me; I struggle to even pray at all. My prayers come far more easily than they did five or six years ago, which shows how closely I flirted with agnosticism at that time.

What would happen if fasting accompanied my prayers? I will find out soon. It's time for my prayers to go beyond the ceiling.

Forgiveness

For the last few months, I've been on a journey of self-discovery and growth. It has been difficult because it involves separation from loved ones, a prolonged process of forgiving, and developing new thinking habits. It is truly one of the most difficult undertakings of my life, if not THE most difficult. I would not have chosen this path, but circumstances required it.

An essential component of my journey is learning to let go of anger, grudges, and past hurts. For many years I didn't understand that I had the habit of holding grudges. I had no idea that I was an unforgiving, angry person. Usually, the anger was kept deep down inside. Few people knew about it because I tend to be outgoing and charismatic. I make friends easily.

But the truth of the matter is that I developed the habit of holding on to offenses many, many years ago. I remember holding grudges when I was in elementary school. This habit has harmed many of my closest and most important relationships, and late last year, I decided to embrace a new way of living. This is no easy task. As I said earlier, it has been one of the most difficult undertakings of my life.

For me, forgiveness is paramount. It is absolutely essential. I am growing, little by little, to understand that I need to let go of offenses (both real and perceived) in order to live a fulfilling life. So I continue on this journey with hopeful expectation.

Wisdom

For the last several weeks, I've been thinking a lot about wisdom. I realized that over the years my wife has displayed wisdom on countless occasions, and it's probably safe to say that most of the time her wisdom surpasses my own. Wisdom is such a rare quality, and yet it's absolutely essential. None of us can do without it in some form or fashion, and if we don't possess it ourselves, we usually know someone who does. If our own wisdom doesn't sustain us, that of someone else does.

My wife's wisdom has often had a supernatural aspect; looking back, I can see that some of her decisions were divinely inspired. It's not easy to articulate why I believe this, but suffice it to say that I've seen her make difficult decisions with an assurance that was truly remarkable, and then circumstances would just come together in a way that seemed to suit the decisions. Historically, she prays, and then she decides. I believe it's a gift of the Holy Spirit, and I also feel fairly confident that she has the gift of faith as well. Wisdom and faith ... those two are quite the combination.

I've also come to the conclusion that wisdom is greater than knowledge. Knowledge is essentially information. Wisdom is akin to knowledge, but fuller, richer, and has overtones of goodness. If knowledge is like a circle, wisdom is like a sphere.

Something Wonderful is About to Happen

The best way to live life (actually the ONLY way) is to continually act as if something wonderful is about to happen. Strangely enough, this optimistic way of looking at life does two things. First, it helps you savor the present moment because you're actually enjoying yourself as you look forward to an imminent wonderful event. Second, it prepares you to actually see and appreciate the wonderful things that happen around you on a regular basis. Negative people miss out on a lot; they really do. Open your eyes and train your thoughts to look forward to receiving blessings. This makes a tremendous difference in the way we experience life.

Developing a New Narrative

I have missed writing this blog. Time flies by so quickly, and before I know it, months and years have passed. I've developed the terrible habit of thinking about writing instead of actually writing. And my thinking is not of the productive sort; it is essentially wondering what to write. This habit needs to be broken, or else I will make no progress as a writer, and probably not as a person either.

When I think of this blog, I imagine it becoming a place for people like myself who are interested in the history and aesthetics of African American people. These topics have become increasingly important to me over the last several years. I hope to spark some new discourse and challenge old ways of thinking. For example, many African Americans, when discussing our history, seem "stuck on being stolen." Their commentary focused on what Europeans did to Africans instead of what Africans did to survive. This is unhealthy and warps our concept of history. We need a fresh, active narrative that doesn't portray Africans as passive objects. I'm really looking forward to exploring this concept in the near future.