Believing

Some things are easy to believe, while others are not. I believe that I will be paid every two weeks, and I spend virtually no time whatsoever worrying about it. But when it comes to issues that are closer to the heart, issues that are more fundamentally important, it's harder to believe.

I do believe in a grand scheme of things. I believe that my paths will be directed if I but ask for it. I believe that the remedy for my unbelief is to ask "help my unbelief." For me these things are difficult to believe, and I am tempted to try to take matters into my own hands. I don't even know what "taking matters into my own hands" would look like, but that's the temptation nonetheless. Sometimes I worry that no one hears my prayers, so I shouldn't spend much time praying them. Sometimes I think that my prayers are really just an excuse for my weakness, and not wanting to "handle the situation."

I have so much respect for the people who have a deep, abiding faith. They steadfastly believe in things that they cannot see. They actually have, and experience on a regular basis, a hopeful expectation that everything (and I do mean everything) will work out in the end. Maybe it won't work out the way they would like, but it will work out.

I'm working on having stronger faith, and believing things with more gusto. A friend told me recently that her whole life changed when she started taking the time to be thankful. She focused on being thankful for everything she could think of, and it changed her perspective. I wonder if it strengthened her belief. I'll bet it did.

First Loves

During the past few weeks I've gone back to a couple of my first loves: fiction and languages. I purchased three or four novels recently and I got quite a few books on French and Spanish from the library. I'm seriously considering working as a French tutor to make a little extra money.

I agonized over what novels to read when I decided to whet my appetite for fiction. I stood in a couple of used bookstores for a looooong time. One of the bookstores is in Ann Arbor. It's called Dawn Treader Book Shop. It has a skylight in the back of the building, so when I stood there browsing, the sun shone right on me. It was a pleasant experience.