Annie Dillard

Annie Dillard is a writer who asks the same questions that I ask. I first heard her name years ago, but I never seriously looked at her work. Last Saturday, I went to the library and found her book For the Time Being. I can hardly read it because ... it's too rich with thoughts like my own. It's unsettling to meet a stranger in the pages of a book, and feel like you already know her. It's also comforting to know that someone out there asks the same seemingly unanswerable questions.

When I read her words, I feel ashamed of not writing more. I feel anxious and afraid that time is short, and I won't be able to write enough to tell my story. I feel motivated, compelled to find the right words, right now, and put them down on paper.

Community

I wish that I had a small, cozy house on a lake. Ideally, I'd be able to look out my window and see my neighbor's house, but it wouldn't be too close. Just out of earshot, maybe. Ideally, the people who lived nearby would be friendly, and they'd read all sorts of good books. They'd come over to dinner, but they wouldn't stay too long. They'd leave after they helped me do the dishes. They'd say things like "We have some stuff to take care of at home, but if you want some company later, give us a call."

I value community, but I also value my space. This is one of the reasons blogging is appealing: one can reach out, but there is very little intrusion. You "see" and "talk" to people on your own terms, as often or as little as you like. Click the "delete" button, or minimize a window, and just like that, you've ended a conversation. Of course, the courteous person will write "gotta go, talk soon" right before signing off, but all the same, there's no one in your face demanding attention.

Life is filled with pros and cons. The gains experienced by interacting with others via the internet sort of pale in comparison to the benefits of dealing with flesh and bone. When you need a hug, an email just ain't enough. But if your favorite conversation partner has strong B.O. or spits when he talks ... instant messenger is a nice little tool.

If I had to choose, I'd choose real people, in real time. Most of us would, right? So why don't we spend more time with real people?

*sigh*

Because real people are difficult. They are annoying. They expect you to look at them when they talk to you, and they want you to really pay attention to what they are saying. They have feelings, and when your hurt their feelings, you're likely to feel bad. You feel compelled to try and avoid hurting feelings, and that can be a lot of work. Sometimes I don't want to deal with any real people. I just want to sit at my desk, with my computer and my can of Coke, and read or write whatever I want.

I am trying to find balance. I want to be the type of neighbor who has plenty of stuff to do, but is still willing to make time for a friend.