Proximity

With whom do you share your secrets? The little silly secrets that reveal who you really are, like ... the reasons why your favorite (song, book, photo, etc.) is your favorite. It's one thing to tell a person what your favorite song is, but telling him why ... that's altogether different. For me, sharing on that level entails a another level of closeness. The proximity is different.

If you share your best poem with someone, and that person says "Wow, that's a really good poem!", you feel good. But if you share the poem, and the person looks you straight in the eye and says, "Can I please have a copy of this?" you can probably rest assured that they understand the poem, and by implication, you.

It's a wonderful thing to be close to someone, to be understood.

Enough

I'm tired. Very tired. But I'm glad to say that my fatigue is primarily physical, and my mind/spirit are, for the most part, at rest. I've been too busy to be a worry wart lately.

The new job is nice. Nice people, nice office, nice restaurants nearby where I can have lunch. I feel like this is a far better time than what I was experiencing when I was lying awake at night wondering whether I passed the bar exam, or whether I would be able to fix my car, or whether I would be able to afford a doctor's visit. I still worry about those things, but the pressure is greatly diminished. I am grateful to have enough. Enough money, enough time, enough space to just breathe a little. I am still poor, but I don't feel utterly drenched in poverty anymore. It feels so good, so very good, to have enough. Words can't express how great it feels to buy a sandwich, fill up my gas tank, or pay a bill with the knowledge that I'll probably be able to do the same things next week. I'm overwhelmed at the thought that, for the first time in ages, I have enough.

Maybe I had enough before, but it didn't feel like it. The sadness and anxiety were ... suffocating, deafening, always present in one form or another. There was the occasional ray of light in the form of a friend or relative but ... damn, things were rough.

Now I really feel like I have enough. Not a lot, but enough. This gives me peace, and helps me ... you know, remember who I am. Or at least remember who I want to be.

I hope you and those you love have enough. If you can have a lot and still be the person you want to be, that's really, really great. I say that without any sarcasm or preachy agendas. I understand that "a lot" and "enough" are relative terms. But I seem to be at my best when I have "enough" as opposed to "a lot."