Bar Exam

Last night I shaved the beard; it was time. This morning I'll shave again, and put on the black suit, and one of the conservative blue ties. I'll wear the black dress shoes ... the ones that I purchased after saying "I'm looking for a dress shoe. Black. Conservative." When I purchased them, I knew they were right because there was absolutely nothing trendy about them; they are part of a "corporate" uniform. They are the type of shoes which belong on the feet of a man wearing black, navy, or charcoal grey.

So today I'll look like a lawyer. And it will be the first time I've had that look for some weeks. I think I was avoiding that look for some reason. Not sure why. A while back, I met a friend for coffee, and when she saw me, she said "you look like a lawyer." And that upset me. I thought "I just want to look like Anson."

I'm sporting the dreaded "lawyer look" again because I'm going to a funeral. I'm likely to see a few old friends whom I haven't seen in years. They'll say things like, "I heard you're a lawyer now." And I'll say "Not yet, God willing I'll be one by this summer." The people who know me best will ask "How's studying going?" And I'll almost certainly lie and say "Good!" Or if I'm feeling concerned about honesty, I'll say "It's coming along."

I'm studying for the bar exam. For the second time. I haven't been able to put that in writing until this point. So there, I said it. I mean typed it. The whole thing is sort of a big deal in my mind. It's a two day exam, it's expensive, it's in another city. Testing conditions are rather uncomfortable (too hot or too cold), and you sit with hundreds of other people who are stressed out, and sort of cranky. And everybody knows that some people are going to fail. The last time I took it, there were a lot of personal obstacles: my mom was seriously ill, I had just gone through a breakup, I didn't have any money, etc. Now six months later, there are still a lot of personal obstacles, so ... I'm sort of regretting that I signed up for it again. Not really. I don't know.

Anyway, it's sort of hard to think/talk about. Some days I feel pretty overwhelmed. Not so much this morning. I feel tired, anxious, ready to crawl back into bed. But not exactly overwhelmed. I have the feeling I'll work hard today after I get home from the funeral (many days I don't work hard; I sort of think a lot about working hard, and then get exhausted).

And I won't bristle if someone happens to say I look like a lawyer. I believe this is evidence of some sort of progress.