Mending

I have not written here in a long time. My days are full and pass more quickly than comfort allows. There hasn't been time to write. I've wanted to, but always planned on doing it tomorrow, and then tomorrow would come, full of distractions, responsibilities, excuses. But every once in a while, things happen and one must write. I've experienced a loss that leaves me shaken, and I don't know what to do except, well ... write.

I make lots of mistakes. I tend to not forgive myself for the ones that I think are particularly odious. That's probably yet another mistake. Every time I think I've learned to be more forgiving of myself, I end up having to re-learn that lesson. I feel like I'm going in circles, never really learning anything except how to be older, but not wiser.

So back to my "loss" ... I feel like Tom Cruise's character in Vanilla Sky when everything just sort of fell apart, and he started yelling "I need tech support!!"

*sigh* Jesus Christ.

Don't worry ... that wasn't swearing. But I guess it wasn't exactly praying either. It was something in between, and I think He won't hold it against me because ... I need tech support.

I can't keep doing what I'm doing. And I can't really even describe what I'm doing because I don't know what I'm doing. Make sense? I need tech support.

I'm thinking I might leave Detroit.

I'm thinking I need to learn to forgive myself.

I'm thinking I need learn to stop saying I'm learning to be hopeful, and really learn to be hopeful.

I'm thinking I need to stop worrying so much.

I'm thinking I need to find more courage.

I'm thinking I need to learn what I want, and who I want, in my life.

There's more to say, but I don't know how to say it. I'm too tired right now. I need a vacation, a change of pace, or both. Probably both. And tech tupport. I really need tech support. You know you need tech support when something happens, and you say to yourself, "Oh no. No, no, no, no .... that's just fucked up."

Everybody needs tech support at some point. Right now I feel like I'm under fire, my communication line is cut, and my reinforcements just got blasted out of the sky. So when I say I need tech support, I'm saying I think the program should be stopped, and re-booted. Or something. Yeah ... or something.

It's like the scene in Aliens when Bill Paxton's character was saying "Game over man! Game over!"

Someone I love told me "Nothing is beyond mending." That's cool, but I sort of need stuff to be mended immediately if not before. Maybe I don't, but that would sure be nice. I'm waiting on someone to press the "restart" button. I'm not even sure what that would mean.

I guess it means I wait in hopeful expectation for the strength to come up with, and implement, a strategy for meeting the needs I mentioned above. I have a full life, with family and friends who love me. But there are things that are missing, situations and hearts that need to be mended.

"Nothing is beyond mending." Let's hope that's true.